[You look so beautiful][Bleeding to death] <3

4:50pm: We've come this far to turn back now
from all the nights we've spent apart.
These days have come and passed us by.
Only the strong survive. 

I can't help that every time I fall, I fall hard. And I love my boyfriend, with all my heart. It's just hard. I can't take not seeing him 3 or 4 weeks at a time. I can't not imagine not having him here, with me. I hate going to sleep without him & I hate not being able to wake up to his big blue eyes. I just miss him. I screwed up. Practical jokes, aren't so practical, when you hurt the one you love. If I could turn back time, and not have that written, as it was, I wouldn't have even let anyone do it. But I can't. And I'm scared I'm losing him. I'm scared I'm losing it all. He's the only person who makes me feel safe, & the only one who can make me smile when I'm crying. Even though he may be the reason I cry a lot, he sure can make it better. And I love how when he breaks my heart and I'm crying uncontrollably he hops in his car & drives 25 minutes just to hold me, so I'll stop. I love how he calls me beautiful & gorgeous. And all the names he calls me. And no matter what I look like he still manages to love me all the same, and look me straight in the eyes and tell me he loves me. If I lose him, I don't know what I'll do. He's my love, and the only one  I want. If I could fall off the face of this earth and take one person with me, it'd be him, because he's my baby, my everything.

I love you Jason William Gay.

5:29am: Why can't we all quit complaining about our lives? Is it really that hard to step outside the box & realize life, is just life; & it's ours to be lived to make us happy. People constantly babble on, about how they hate their jobs & school, but they chose those to attend. They have the power to walk out, just as if they had the power to be there. Just do what makes you happy, and get over this down & out-ness.

3:06am:

i swear it's the last time,
& i swear it's my last try.
and we'll walk  in circles around this whole block
walk on the cracks of the same old side walks.
then we'll talk about leaving town,
we'll talk about leaving.

it's amazing the way time always has a way of working out. it's like a jigsaw, waiting for the pieces to fit in correctly, and if it doesn't, time ticks on. But I often wonder, is time more along the lines of the old jig saw puzzle, that's been out played & pieces are missing? Does everything not really fit together, like the world thinks they do. Is everything really not happily ever after? Is it okay, that everything's not happily ever after? Or are you seen as a disgrace, because you didn't live like the pretty princesses in the castles? Time can make or break a persons life. Time holds a major place in this world, it's probably the greatest factor with faith. If you believe in that sort of thing. Time will reveal the truth, in the end. If a person just holds on, and keeps patient, they'll see the truth in the end. A perfect example is Snow White, how whack am I? But in Snow White, the evil step mom, realizes she isn't the fairest of them all, and Snow White is. It just proves, Snow White did her hard work, and she had good karma come out in the end. It's like a giant circle. You do good, you get good; you do bad, you get bad.  Karma will be the end of us all, time will be the end of us all. Time ticks, til eventually are puzzle is stomped on by death, pieces thrown everywhere. It seems like our entire lives we work to put that puzzle together so hard, and in the end, what's it worth? Getting trampled over? Just like the rest of our lives. We get trampled over. People are always so stressed about following what others do. "The routine" of things, I guess you could call it. Why can't people be themselves? Everyone's so stressed about everyone jocking everyone's style. In time, eventually everyone's "doing it" so get over yourself. Don't follow what everyone else does. Just because everyone graduates from high school & goes onto college, doesn't mean that's right for you. Instead of spending your life working hard to put the puzzle together, make yourself happy. Because in the end of time, your happiness is all that will matter to you. & if you look back & realize you did what made you happy, the you'll be happy knowing you lived happy. Instead of working so hard your entire life, for something to be shattered.

2:41am: What you say is what you get (don't you know)
Fishing for the answer with a line and sinker
Look at me and don't forget (don't you know)
Hard to get a grip with all these broken fingers
What you see is what you get (don't you know)
Fishing for the answer with a line and sinker
Look at me and don't forget (don't you know)
Hard to get a grip with all these broken fingers

Today I don't feel pretty
And I'm tired of trying to fit right in
Don't think that your so great
'Cause being great must suck

We don't always see the bright side
We all need ego suicide
You hung my head today
But I have licked my wounds and carried on

Everybody needs some sympathy
Santa seemed to miss my chimney
Reality is truly scaring me
So stand up straight and firmly say

What you say is what you get (don't you know)
Fishing for the answer with a line and sinker
Look at me and don't forget (don't you know)
Hard to get a grip with all these broken fingers
What you see is what you get (don't you know)
Fishing for the answer with a line and sinker
Look at me and don't forget (don't you know)
Hard to get a grip with all these broken fingers

My heart is in the right place
So wipe that smirk right off your face
Don't make me feel like that
Cause that's just plain not nice

We don't always see the bright side
And I lied when I said I was fine
You slapped my face today
But I have licked my wounds and carried on

Everybody needs some sympathy
Santa seemed to miss my chimney
Reality is truly scaring me
So stand up straight and firmly say

What you say is what you get (don't you know)
Fishing for the answer with a line and sinker
Look at me and don't forget (don't you know)
Hard to get a grip with all these broken fingers
What you see is what you get (don't you know)
Fishing for the answer with a line and sinker
Look at me and don't forget (don't you know)
Hard to get a grip with all these broken fingers

Everybody needs some sympathy
Santa seemed to miss my chimney
You stole my luck from me
And now my fortune cookie's empty
Cause you came and you stole it all from me
So stand up straight and firmly say

What you say is what you get (don't you know)
Fishing for the answer with a line and sinker
Look at me and don't forget (don't you know)
Hard to get a grip with all these broken fingers
What you see is what you get (don't you know)
Fishing for the answer with a line and sinker
Look at me and don't forget (don't you know)
Hard to get a grip with all these broken fingers

7:47pm: I'ma get fed up one day,
put a lead up in the K;
come & hit up where you stay.
So baby mama, better get up out the way;
cause the bullet got no heart
& the trigger man crazy.

Girls are scandalous, for sure. I'm sure every human being knows this. But really, is it neccessary? Men don't act the way we do. I'm ashamed to be a girl sometimes, because half of the shit that goes down. I mean, I don't have the drama, but girls like you, give us a bad name. Just like guys that use girls, give good guys a bad name. Soon enough, I'm going to break. Like when I see Nikki, something in me just snaps. I'm not going to be able to hold this anger in for much longer, heads up to you hoes. But I do want you to realize, if I hit you, you better be ready to own up to getting your ass beat. Cause I may be calm, and tiny, but boy do I have my temper. There's girls like us, that may not have that much physical strength, but when a person gets mad, adrenalin gets flowing, and I snap. Few people know this from experience, but just leave the drama out of my life, please. Cause man, I don't need people calling my mom to let her know where I am. I'm sure she knows. I don't need someone to "cover" for me either, I don't lie to my mom. I can't lie. My friends know this. I just can't. So please, just leave me the fuck alone.. and stay out of my path. I'll stay out of yours.

10:00pm:

ATTN:
marijuana legalization on the ballads for 2008 :]


I Think that I'm just tired
I Think I need a new town
To leave this all behind
I Think I need a sunrise
I'm tired of a sunset.

I'm so sick of this place, and I can't tell if this place means this town or this world, period. Every one is so equally whacked in the head, and they just can't let shit go. I really just want to be in a place, people can move on. I hate ignorant assholes, who do things on purpose to start shit. There really is no point. Ughh... I'm too sick about it all, to even write.

1:04pm: is this the way,
that i make you feel each & every time that we talk.
is that the truth,
that the way you feel isn't the same as it was?
can't always be nice
can't always be thoughtful

7:00pm: let it roll of your back
& slip off your tongue.
before you lose your nerve
& end up right back where you started from.

Ignorance is one of my biggest pet peeves, if you hadn't already known that. But the thing about ignorance that bothers me the most, is the way people have no compassion for others when they're being ignorant. Race is a place where ignorance plays a major role. I hate racist people. There's definately a difference between negro & nigger. The way people use the word "nigger" today, as a slang term, it is to be defined as someone of any origin or race that is ignorant, contemptible, or inferior. No one is inferior to one another, everyone is human. Everyone makes mistakes, but to make the same mistakes twice, is ignorant. Therefore, negro means black, and nigger means ignorant. People go on TV, the radio, or any other way of publicizing their opinion screaming this & that about "dumb niggers" and how they need to move back to their own country. Well how "honkys" like it, if black people got into their face and told them to go back to their countries & their just as ignorant. It's quite obvious who the ignorant one is, in the situation. It's the people throwing around racial slurs, throwing in double negatives "dumb nigger." Now seriously, if white people were so "inferior" and better than the "niggers" than why are they dumb enough to use a double negative in a sentence? Black people might speak, "ebonics" but to them, our "accent" or way we speak, might be just as weird. No matter if a person is ROY G. BIV, their gonna live. They'll breathe the same air as us, they have the same lungs that breathe in that air, and their all the same on the inside. Who cares what color we are on the outside?, on the inside a person could be the most beautiful soul, and just because of the color of their skin; they get called trash.


Think about it.

10:23pm: Maybe we,
why don't we,
sit right here for half an hour?
we'll speak of what a waste i am
& how we missed a beat again.

Its useless hoping for the best anymore. Its now, more along the lines of, taking what I can get. Everyone's making it obvious I'm a waste of space to this world. But I'm still livin'. I breathe their air, and their going to learn to deal. I'm trying here. I'm sorry if not everything I do is up-to-date with their standards. But what hurts the most is my family, the ones who should support me the most, think that I'm this useless waste.

8:40am: you play it cool,
you play it just for me.
ya, everything it just falls into place,
everything just falls into place.

I'm in a sticky situation, and its stickier than molases. I've found myself, crushing majorly on this boy. This boy probably doesn't know it, but I can see why. I think he thinks it's just sex, strictly sex. I, on the other hand, want more. I'm too afraid to tell the boy these things. I don't have the balls to, basically. Something needs to be done about it soon, because my heads spinning in circles. This boy has me running all over, asking ridiculous questions. I can't help it, I can't help that I'm such a fumbling idiot when it comes to this boy. He's the sweetest, cutest boy; ever. Not really, I'm probably just saying all of this out of spite. But I honestly don't care. I just want this boy to like me back & it to go somewhere.


HELP.

8:56pm: do you remember the time?
we were sitting in that blood stained room for you?
and you turned to me, and you said...
how broken bones, they turn you on,
but i ain't got shit, so don't turn to me anymore. 

is this all a gameto everyone? who can use who the most? who can take advantage of a person the worst? what is happening and why is everyone so fake? i'm begging for everyone to check themselves quick, because as far as i see; everyone's fake, including me. I try not to be, and by writing this I'm atleast admitting I'm fake, makes me way less fake than the people who don't. I thought my life had changed, and the people I had let into it, were much better than before; but then I realized I thought that for the wrong reasons. I can realize it's the people who have been here all along, the one's who I've known the longest, that matter the most. It's not about racing to the finish line of popularity, or seeing who can fill their half empty cup before everyone else does. Don't lose your marbles & count your blessings, because one day; all of this will hit you & you'll realize how much you fucked up and lost the people who truly cared. 

unless your lucky, and you've realized this all along.
but i highly doubt that..

2:46am: If America was really land of the free, why is everything so binded up with rules; it's not fun anymore? Why can't anyone rationally solve a problem, a solution without violence? i honestly, believe the world is going to nuke itself before our eyes, before global warming even gets to start with our asses, pathetic. tsk tsk.


ugh, i just don't wanna be here anymore; period.

7:08am:

This is all everything that you could be.
This love secrecy is killing me.
This is all, this is all that we could be.

I hate liars, it's something that tears me apart more than any other pet peeve. The worst is when a guy lies to you, and makes you look like an ass infront of the world. I hate when they lie out of spite, KNOWING they can't hide it. Why are people so ignorant and careless when it comes to anothers feelings? So far, i'm a nasty myspace whore with std's; how wonderful. none of this is true, but i'm just a piece of shit, nonetheless.

5:00am: Tonight we'll take this town alive
& we'll show them what it's like,
when pretty faces sleep with secrets.

It's been quite a long time since I've written in my journal. A lot has changed, and I'm not quite who I used to be. I've lost a lot of friends, but I've gained many more through the process. Drama drama drama, PEACE OUT; yepp no longer apart of my life. I got rid of Charlie & all his lies, and Nikki; she's realized she's pebbles to me. Kudos to my girl A Hamms for kicking a little girls ass, who needs to learn how to quit running her mouth.

On another note; i'm getting lonely. everyone's finding their significant other, and here i am, stuck in a slump. i just want someone to call my own....


please help :(

3:07am:

I've got a story,
it's almost finished.
All i need is someone to tell it to,
maybe that's you.

do you ever wonder if soul mates are real, & if you've overlooked yours already? if your telling your story to the wrong person, but you think their right? what if we've all fucked ourselves royally? it happens. i wonder if i've done it, & im so young. i dont get why im so paranoid about the world.

8:12am: take it how you want it
theres no way around these played out scenes
they dont mean anything

i'm so sick of broken promises, and thinking people are different. people aren't different, no matter WHAT they say. everyone has some dirty little secret, waiting to shatter me into pieces. sorry if i sound self-centered, but i can't take it anymore. i don't know how much longer i'll handle being heart broken, before i break completely. i got over everything else but heart break seems to keep kicking my ass everytime i turn around. everythings so played out now, it's like a broken record; thats super glued to the phonograph. i hate it. i hate that i have wreckless habbits, that seem to always occur when i get so low. everythings so old, i want something new. i want fresh air & a new start.

7:38am: Can you help me remember how to smile
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile
How on earth did I get so jaded
Life's mystery seems so faded

I can no longer appreciate the complex things in life, like love. I know longer have admiration for those things, I only have admiration for the things that put a smile on my face now. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to be in love; i'd love to feel the euphoria. But I don't see how so many people are so dumbfounded by love; when it all ends one day & heartbreaks happen often. I'm too afraid to be in that situation ever again; i'm too afraid of letdowns in all.

3:53am: Speak now you must have a secret kept down,
Down where you can keep it 
I need you to spill your guts

I lost my everything.
</3

i miss him, id do anything to make his pain go away; to make him better. i'd do anything to be his again. why is life such a sticky situation itself? is there any real reason to see him or me in this much pain? can't everything just be better? i don't get it. i don't get life. i don't want life, anymore.

8:23pm:

Is it worth it?
Can you even hear me?,
Standing with your spotlight on me.
It's not enough to feed the hungry,
I'm tired & I've felt it for awhile now.
In this sea of lonely,
The taste of ink is getting old,
It's 4 o'clock in the fuckin' morning;
Each day gets more ever like the last day.

The lyrics are self-explanitory. I'm becoming used to this thing I call me. I still don't like where I am or what I'm doing; or who I am. I guess I can't change it much, being that I can't get out of my routines. It's getting pretty old. I hate not having anything to do, and friends who don't care. Even if they could care, I don't think they would. I feel so alone everyday & night; I don't think people are prepared for me when they say they are. I don't think people know how I feel, or even remotely close to what its like. Hmph; I don't know if they ever will either. I can't sit on my ass and continue to complain, I can try and change it; but what happens when I bust my ass for nothing? Then I'll realize people are assholes; trust no one. But will I really? Will I learn, ever? I honestly don't think I will. I honestly don't think people will ever change. I think as time goes on greed and hypocrisy will ruin us all. No one is who they say they are; and the world's built around money. No morals are left in people anymore; they just don't care.

8:34pm: I was never good at hiding anything;
My thoughts break me.
Do you understand what you mean to me?
You are my faith.
Won't you cure my tragedy?

I always saw myself becoming this; I always knew I'd amount to nothing in everyones eyes. I always had the feeling I was worthless. I don't know how I managed to get so low; to be so ashamed of myself. I was never this person to begin with; I was never so hard or down on myself. I always thought I was beautiful and smart; but I gave it all away. I let people take that from me. I let them take who I was. Now I look in the mirror and see an empty person; who will never amount to anything more than what I already am.

8:22pm:

Is that what you call a getaway?
Tell me what you got away with.
Because I've seen more spine in jellyfish,
I've seen more guts in 11 year-old kids.

You can only be used, to the extent you let people use you. I seem to have a problem with letting people use me, and get away with it. I let them. I can't be mad at them, only myself. I have too much feeling when it comes to people I care about. I don't take into account their a drug addict, user, or a bum; I don't realize they don't care they're hurting me. But I'm no longer letting people use me, I don't care if they're dying. My needs come first; except for a few select people, the ones I would give my life for. I'm not saying I won't care about their circumstance, but it's not fair how I'm constantly getting walked all over. For example, lastnight, Tim thinks he can use me for money so he can go get high. He's not clean, no matter what anyone says, he lies. He showed up at my house, walks in, doesn't knock; and decides to say he can't move. He can't move? Whoever he was with, supposedly had no gas, whatsoever and died in my driveway. I had absoloultley no money, and I gave him all my pop bottles, hmm; was he able to move from my driveway? I think so. Did he ever come back like he said he would, I think not. But I felt bad, because I care about him; and I let him use me. He doesn't care; he never will. He'll be dead before he cares about anyone but himself, that's just how Tim is.

7:48pm:

& I've gotta tell you,
the conclusion I've come to;
I'll never leave, I'll never stray
My love for you will never change.

My father hasn't contacted me in over a week; so much for a relationship. So much for actually thinking he cared; so much for men.

3:59am:

This worlds far from what we see it as. We tip our cups to get drunk, toke our pipes to fix our lows, and the wonder drugs some people haven't even discovered yet, lay lying in broad daylight waiting for someone to find them and die. For another life to be taken by running away from our problems. All the innocent people killed from stupid mistakes, when they should have gotten another chance; and i've tried to get out and they won't let me. Why are they gone? Why are the ones who deserve to be here, gone? Why are these toxic substances that control our bodies and minds; more than any human can control their own? 

You lose some, you gain some. But sometimes you lose and never gain at all. But lately I've found myself gaining old relationships with people I never thought would be anything ever again. Timothy Ryan is amazing. We are going to somehow fix this, and make it work. He is the biggest sweetheart; and he's there for me at anytime. Amazingly somehow after 4 years; we can still get along perfectly well and somehow build a relationship off of it.

I'm too tired to finish. I will later.

<33

12:13pm:

Tell me what's the issue,
who I give these lips to?
Baby am I doin' too much?
This is turning into,
Something I ain't hip to.


I go through guys like I go through money. And I hate it. I want to just settle down. I was ready to with Josh. But I don't get it. He's a fool and a liar. A big fat liar. But maybe he isn't. Maybe I'm thinking he is and he really is going to come through. Maybe everything he said was a fact, and not fiction. I have waited for a long time already, I guess another month or so wouldn't kill me. I just don't want to wait for something that's never going to happen or fall in love while waiting, and not get my chance with him. This is all too complicating for me. He was so sweet when we were talking and hanging out, and he always did what was right. He tried so hard, he busted his ass. If he'd forget to call me, he'd call me as soon as he woke up the next morning with a huge apology and asking me if he could make it up. What guy does that? Why was I offered happiness and it was re-nigged. I don't have huge feelings for him, but he was perfect. Well I thought that atleast. No one else did. But he was adorable and sweet, and always put a smile on my face. And I just liked having atleast someone I could be affectionate with. But everything he told me, he told everyone else. I've noticed. I've been told. I just feel as if it's different now. But it's probably me being naive. The age thing, well that's a different story. I thought he had finally gotten over it, but I don't know. Honestly. He wanted me to be honest, loyal, and true. But he couldn't give me that, or was he? Maybe he truly did care how I feel. Maybe that's why he put us on hold. Or maybe I'm just a fool for getting my hopes high again. I was loyal and honest, but it just wasn't working. I hate that we never got to see eachother. And then he let me down, he told me the age thing wasn't going to work. But he overcame it, and we were still talking. But his car comes back; and I'm gone. Hopefully he'll get his life back, and in order. Hopefully he'll come around again. I guess I need to have the patience and wait. I'm just not holding back on anything else. Were nothing now, and I don't have to be loyal. But I still want a chance with him. But I can never tell with Metz. It's so difficult. He promised me that when he got his shit together he'd be ready to settle down with me. But I don't know if he'll be true to his word. It would make me day if he did.

10:59pm: And it's clear to see,
You're nothing special.
You're a skeleton key. 

The people who you think matter most, turn out to be the ones who really mean nothing at all. Who are there one day in your life, and the next gone. I guess it's all in how someone judges anothers character, and their decision on who they open up to and get close with. I know I've completely failed on judging someone's character. And I still fail everytime I try. I hope sooner or later this losing streak breaks, and I can actually find a genuinely nice person some day; without going through millions of booby-traps. For once I'd like to find that man who loves to drink beer and smoke pot just as much as me; and not care if I wear pajamas and think I'm absoloutley beautiful inside & out. Not just for what I have and am. I always seem to fall hard for narcissistic assholes who constantly drag me down about who I am. I'm not wasting my life away, I'm actually busting my ass. But once more, for my unpleasant situations I have myself to thank, for my bad judge of character. 

For Father's Day.

            There’s so much more to that place, than it seems to look on the outside. A lifetime lived inside that house, was a lifetime of depression. It looked as if any other house; doors, windows, furniture, everything a house had. She walked away from that house knowing it was the best move she had ever made; she made a choice to live. She never realized how normal the house looked from the outside, because all she ever knew was the threshold of anger held inside those walls. All the years she had lived there, she wanted to forget, but she knew there was no possible way to forget the horrid memories behind that locked door. Standing in the cold, she took her first step towards freedom; she dragged her black trash bag behind her.

            Her first few steps away from the door were the hardest, but it dignified her, more than she had ever possessed. Reaching the end of the driveway seemed like the hardest thing she had ever accomplished, but she did it; holding all her tears inside. She looked back at the living room window to see if her mother even cared she was gone. She looked, and she saw nothing but her own reflection in the frost bitten glass. She figured as much, she never mattered much to her mother in the first place.

            Reaching into her bag, she pulled out a photo album, all it consisted of were pictures ripped and torn in half. All the pictures she had were of her, the only person she knew she could trust. Of course, the pictures were once whole, but now, like her heart; nothing was whole in her life anymore. The pictures symbolized her life, her past, everything she’d ever known. She knew in order to make those pictures whole, and her life whole, she’d have to start back at one. One seemed like such a huge number, when the basis of her whole life revolved around it. Tears started falling from her eyes, rolling down her cheeks; it was the most heat her body had felt since she walked out the door. Putting the photo album away, she wiped her eyes, pushing herself onward.

She looked, the world looked cold, dark; it looked more daunting than its past had revealed. She had no where to go, no one to turn to; she didn’t know what her next move would be. Picking up her belongings, she pushed herself towards her dad’s house, hoping he would welcome her with open arms; after all he wasn’t the father he should have been all his years.